Ninja Rehab
by Hana M. Rose
Summary: Our favorite ninja have finally decided that they needed help, but it wasn't exactly the kind of help they expected to get.


Disclaimer:  
I, Hana M. Rose, do not, nor will I ever, own _Naruto_ or any of its characters; they are the sole property of Masashi Kishimoto-sensei, and nobody else. I also do not own the phone message, it was sent to me in an email and I just felt like borrowing it. This fan fiction was made purely for entertainment purposes only.

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**"****Ninja Rehab****"**

**By: Hana M. Rose  
****Humor/Parody**

"_Hello and thank you for calling the State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options menu:_

"_If you are obsessive-compulsive, press '1' repeatedly._"

Kakuzu muttered something incoherent that would normally come out of the mouth of that Jashinist partner of his as he did as the automatic voice told him before continuing the recounting of his beloved money.

The thirty-seventh recounting of his precious money...today...

He knew that someone took some for something, although he didn't know who.

But he would find out. Oh, yes, he would...

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"_If you are co-dependent, please ask somebody to press '2' for you._"

"I am so _not_ co-dependent," Orochimaru scoffed, finding himself incapable of picking up his fork because of what the Sandaime Hokage did to him. "Kabuto-kun! I need help eating my mashed potatoes!"

"Coming, Lord Orochimaru-sama!" Kabuto called from a distant room in the dingy cave that the freaky-rapist-snake-loving-weirdo calls a 'hideout.'

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"_If you have multiple personalities, press '3,' '4,' '5,' and '6.'_"

"...We only have two personalities; so do we still press all the buttons, or just the first two?" Zetsu's white side questioned confusedly.

The black side rolled his eye with a sigh. "**All of them, genius.**"

"Shut up. If you think I'm stupid, then so are you. We're the same person," the white half said pointedly, a smug smirk his side of their lips.

"**Oh, that's right...**"

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"_If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on the line so we can trace your call._"

Shino's eyes shifted from side to side from behind his dark glasses as he moved to close the curtain over his window, casting his room into complete darkness, after discarding the phone.

A few minutes later, his father entered the room, finding his only son dressed in nothing but fatigues with a random machine gun lying not too far away on the floor.

"Should I be concerned?" the man inquired, a single brow raised in suspicion.

Shino shook his head before scurrying underneath his bed, gun held defensively in hand.

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"_If you are delusional, press '7' and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship._"

Lee promptly hit the small button on the phone, sending his sensei a thumbs-up.

Gai returned the gesture, both striking "good guy" poses with gleaming smiles.

Alien life wasn't quite ready for the two green beasts of Konoha, nor the youthfulness they can and most certainly will provide.

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"_If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press._"

"Well?" Gaara said expectantly, waiting for the ichibi to speak.

_**Eight,**_ Shukaku finally answered.

Gaara nodded and pressed the aforementioned button. _Arigato._

_**Does this mean I can go on a rampage with your body now?**_ the tanuki asked hopefully, getting a negative response almost immediately.

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"_If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway._"

Sasuke shrugged and hung up the phone, placing it back on the receiver, figuring that the automatic voice was right anyway. He took out a kunai and immediately killed himself by slitting his wrists wide open.

Orochimaru cried for days at the loss of his soon-to-be body (having "Kabuto-kun" hold the tissues of course.)

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"_If you are dyslexic, press '9696969696969696.'_"

Kiba's eyes widened in confusion. It was just like that random time they went on a mission and he couldn't decode that damned message...

Sure, give the hard job to the guy that always screws up his letters and numbers.

"Alright, I got this," the brunet said, punching in what he thought were the right digits. "Shit..."

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"_If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep..._"

A small white phone with little, pink petals printed on it was thrown to the ground and stamped upon by the mood-swingy owner rather violently.

Sakura angrily stormed away from her destroyed cell, silently wondering about how she would explain what happened to her mother...

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"_If you have short-term memory loss, press '9.' If you have short-term memory loss, press '9.' If you have short-term memory loss, press '9.'_"

"I don't have short-term memory loss... Do I?" Ino questioned to herself, pondering the thought. "Wait—! What button was I supposed to press?"

"_If you have short-term memory loss, press '9.'_"

"Okay!" she exclaimed, her smile dropping just as fast as it came. "Crap—what was it again?

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"_If you have low self-esteem, please hang up; our operators are too busy to talk with you._"

Hinata pressed the "end call" button and dropped her phone back into her pocket.

Neji came up and glared at her for no apparent reason. "The Hyuuga clan will cease to exist when you take over as the heir, Hinata-chan." And with that rather rude statement, he left.

Her pale lavender eyes began to tear, but inside, her mind was reassuring her that he shoved an open umbrella up his ass sometime in the past.

One of these days, Hinata. One of these days it will come out...

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"_If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down, and cry. You won't be crazy forever._"

"Damn..." Tsunade put her gun back into her desk drawer and sat there, staring at the giant pile of paperwork before her.

Shizune came in, blinking at the Hokage confusedly. "Lady Tsunade-sama, why haven't you done any of your work yet?"

"Because." She got up and left.

When she got back to her house, she turned the air conditioner down to sixty-degrees, sat on her couch with a tub of double-fudge-chocolate-chip-cookie-dough ice cream, and cried while watching a soap opera on the _Lifetime_ network.

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"_If you are blonde, don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up._"

Naruto took the phone away from his ear and stared at it with wide blue eyes, a slight pout on his face.

_**Maybe you should have pressed '8', like I said before.**_

_I'm not schizophrenic,_ he yelled internally at the kyuubi who just raised one of its furry eyebrows in response. _Alright, alright. I'll press '8'._

The blond grumbled when he accidentally pressed the wrong button. _Damn it..._

— **End —**


End file.
